Baby, You Drive Me Crazy

We have just completed our first family holiday. Well, more of a long weekend than a holiday, but it was Little Gem's first overnight stay away from home, so quite the milestone for us. But it wasn't exactly the relaxing road trip that I had imagined. Oh no, that was the height of my naivety.
I should have known it wasn't going to be all sunshine and roses when it took me two days, three bouts of tears, and one nervous breakdown before I had packed everything. And I really had packed Everything, so getting it all the car almost required medication.
Days 1 and 2 went well. Little Gem coped remarkably well with the trip, stayed her happy and social self, and charmed the life out of everyone she met. Day 3 was the start of her downhill slide. On day 4 she made a slight recovery, and with the beautiful gift of hindsight, we should have taken this as a sign and hightailed it home then. But we didn't. Instead we extended our stay for an extra night, and we certainly paid the price.
Mother Nature is very clever. Baby giraffes, horses, sheep etc are able to walk within hours of birth. A baby monkey has the strength to cling to his mummy's back. Kangaroo's have built in pouches to keep their bubbies safe and warm. My baby isn't so independent. But she can scream. Loudly. And she screamed all the way home. Loudly. She wasn't hot, cold, wet, hungry or sick. She was just unhappy to be in the car and she let us know about it. Loudly. All The Way Home. Most repetitive noises are able to be tuned out, but not a baby's cry. Thanks for that Mother Nature.
And so, as my dearly loved first born wailed and sobbed in the back seat, I could do nothing but blink my tears away and count down the kilometres. In an attempt to distract myself, I also made a list of what I had learned over those few days.

1. Little Gem does not actually require 20 outfits, 30 nappies, 10 packets of wipes, and 4 towels per day.
2. The boot of our car is indeed massive. But not massive enough.
3. Mosquito nets are extremely versatile... portacot, pram, and rocker (a win for Mum!)
4. Myer children's section reduced racks are terribly addictive.
5. A five minute walk along the beach ON MY OWN can be a slice of heaven.
6. Despite my focussing on the negatives, Little Gem is a pretty great baby. She slept through every night and made me melt with every smile.
7. Home might not be where my heart is, but it is where she is most comfortable.
8. Oh, and packing 10 tonne of clothing requires one million loads of washing upon return. NOOOO!

Fear and Loving in Mum-Vegas

There are a million things you learn when you have your own child. Things that other parents tend to keep to themselves. And not just about the horrors of childbirth (Oh my God, no wonder people don't tell the truth about that, the human race would be doomed),that babies go through several stages of 'poo' (from black to orange... nice) or even that babies make the most horrible grunts, snorts and groans as they sleep (that's right, even when they finally sleep... you WON'T).
No, the one thing that I truly had not prepared myself for was The Fear.
I'm a bit of a paradox in temperament. I can be insanely anal retentive about the smallest things. The colour of the pegs have to match when I hang out my washing. The dishwasher has to be packed MY way. I drive my husband crazy by following him around the kitchen, washing every plate, spoon or knife that he has used, whether he is finished with them or not.
But otherwise, I have a pretty relaxed attitude to life. The glass is half full in my world. Everything happens for a reason, and generally works out in the end. There's no point worrying about the past. I overwhelmingly believe that what goes around, comes around. When life throws me a bad patch, I truly believe that something good is coming. So consequently, I rarely worry about what 'might' happen. If I make responsible decisions, then everything will be fine. Right?
Not anymore. That was the old me. That was before the arrival of my Little Gem, before the arrival of The Fear.
Now everything is scary.
My actions have genuine consequences, and not just for me and my husband now. Everything I do impacts on the Gem.
It can be quite agonising. Is she eating enough? Sleeping enough? Sleeping too much, and therefore not eating enough? Is she getting cranky because I'm trying to feed her too much to make up for the feeds that she has dropped because she's sleeping too much?
Is she too hot? Too cold? Is she going to get a flat head because I let her kick on the floor too much? Is it too early to put her in a jolly jumper?
Do I take her out of the house too much? Do we stay at home too much?
Is her bath water too hot? Am I holding her tight enough? Will she slip out of my arms onto the tiles? (I can almost hear the sickening noise that would make)
Do I worry too much? (YES!)
From what I understand, The Fear affects almost all parents and although it may fade with time, it doesn't go away. And it isn't limited to those small everyday decisions. Even though Little Gem sleeps through the night, I still spend some of those wee early morning hours tossing and turning as I contemplate the Big Issues.
I have brought a new life into this world, and all things being as they should, she will outlive me by decades. So issues such as climate change, population growth, energy and food supply take on new meaning. What kind of world is my baby girl going to live in? As cliched as this sounds, I want to leave this world a better place for her.
Perhaps The Fear could be my ultimate motivator. Instead of political spectating, perhaps its time to get more involved, make my voice be heard a little louder.
Little Gem is only 12 weeks old, but she is truly now the centre of my world. The Fear ensures that her needs take precedence above mine.
And with a face like this...

The Fear isn't going anywhere.